It's not over until the fat lady comes.

Dear Reader,
Here's a short story for the evening. Anyone who's ever flown on a commercial aircraft knows how uncomfortable they have gotten over the years. Seats are smaller and closer together both side by side and front to back and the isles are so narrow you practically have to dance sideways to traverse them. Before we became Premier members John always had to fly with someone's chair on top of his knees.

Flying is just a burden these days, the long lines, security checks. taking off your shoes, belts, being patted down, waiting an hour for a beverage, starving on a bag of pretzels. Everyone has their list of grievances about flying but my biggest fear is always that of being jammed into a seat next to a person too large to fit in their own seat and losing the use of my one and only armrest.

Men with broad shoulders like John have a real problem because his shoulders do extend wider than the aircraft seat. It's terribly unfair to him and whomever he sits next to. It's not me, that's for sure. Since most domestic aircraft have three seats across, and I'm not about to be jammed in the middle seat and have no armrests at all, I take the window seat and John takes the isle and pity the person in the middle. At least John tries to reduce himself by crossing his arms for long periods. I don't know how he does it. With my bad shoulder I would be in agony as I often am when trying to share an armrest with a stranger. It feels so wierd touching them too.

I know what you're thinking, such an experienced traveler can't handle a little strange contact but, hey, we all have our foibles, don't we? It also drives me nuts when someone arrives with so much junk they have to stuff it under the seat in front of them and then have nowhere to put their feet except in front of me. I know I shouldn't complain being only 5"3 but we all need our own little bit of protected space, especially when we travel. I wouldn't like to be as tall as John at 6'5" tall, that's for sure. He doesn't fit anywhere.

One other way of seating that we often choose as the least  of all evils on the three by three across aircrafts is to sit isles across from each other. We are almost as close as if we were next to each other but we both get isle seats. Of course this means getting up and down frequently but I don't mind that nearly as much as trying to get out from a window seat over two people, especially when they refuse to get up! I've had that happen more than once.

On one particular flight that I'll never forget, John and I had isles across seats with both middle and window seats open. We sat and watched the other passengers board with rapt anticipation to see whom our traveling companions would be. I always pray for a skinny petite girl who's cold and has to hug herself the entire flight. That's the ideal. A child can be alright too if he's well behaved.

A slender Asian guy showed up for my isle first and sat in the window seat. He was alone. This was a good sign. Most often people travel in couples and do not want to be separated so perhaps no one will sit in the middle seat. This would be great. So much more comfortable. I was getting hopeful. Next John's traveling companion showed up and also took the window seat so John and I were both being hopeful of having a comfortable flight.

The passengers continued to board and to pass us by until the trail trickeled out to random last boarders. One of them was a giant kid who kind of reminded me of my nephew, Eric, but even taller. He had to be 6'9" tall and he was built, not skinny. I knew it the minute I saw him that he was going to sit next to John and I started to giggle. There's no way that kid was fitting in that seat. And sure enough I was right. That was his seat. John stood up and had to look up at the guy who appeared to be as broad himself. Somehow, he managed to squeeze into the middle seat and John sat down and tried to read his paper, leaning way over the armrest for space. I couldn't stop gigling. I kept poking fun at him and teasing and pointing out my nice empty seat while he glared at me, the humor was not appreciated. This made it even funnier and I couldn't stop laughing until I saw her come through the door. It's hard to describe a person that size coming through an aircraft door except to say it reminded me of squeezing a baloon through a small opening and it popping out on the other side.

She was perhaps the largest woman I've ever seen and she looked mad. She had to have been 400 pounds at least, maybe 500. Covered in sweat and stomping with a purpose her jowls and upper arms jiggling, face bright red from the exertion, I just knew she was headed my way. I started to look morosely around me and shrink into myself so perhaps she wouldn't see the empty seat and also to avoid John's expression but it didn't work. John spotted her immediately and started teasing me and said that's what I get for being such a smart ass, and he was right of course, but I never expected justice to be meeted out so swiftly!

After a long slow approach, wind blowing in and out of her open mouth which sounded like a monsoon, she stopped in front of me and said "that's my seat". I meekly arose and looked around the plane sympathetically hoping for help somewhere somehow. Of course she couldn't fit in her seat with the armrest down so up it went and up it stayed. When I tried to sit back down, I had no seat left. Only a sliver, perhaps an eighth remained. I'm not a tiny person so this was unbearable and I couldn't raise my isle armrest for relief.

I buzzed the flight attendant and complained and asked if she couldn't be moved somewhere else on the plane and she advised that every seat was taken. Then I advised her that I could not fly with less than half a seat to sit on and that I had paid for a full seat so if she couldn't be moved, I would be happy to move myself. She still wouldn't help me. I got a bit mad and asked her how they can allow someone that big to purchase just one aircraft seat when they obviously require two. She said we usually do but they didn't notice her at all at check in. I find that extremely hard to believe but there you go, I was stuck, between a rock and a soft place.

Finally, someone came to my rescue. No, it wasn't John, he was still laughing and poking fun at my expense. The lady apparently had a friend, a nice slender girlfriend, who was sitting in the middle seat directly behind her. She said if I would move she would sit next to her friend. I was thinking about it, even though I despise middle seats, when the Asian guy came to my rescue. He volunteerd to take her middle seat just to get away from her, I think. So a switch was made amicable to everyone. The large woman some how squeezed into the window seat and her friend sat next to her in the middle and I was left with my entire isle seat to myself.

Sometimes I'm ashamed for having made any comments at all and if it had been a very short flight I might not have but a long and painful flight can ruin your vacation and that's what it's all about. Sometimes you just have to fight for your right, you know? I don't mean physically fight but stand up for yourself because no one else is going to, and that's a fact.

I hope you enjoyed this little tale of childishness and teasing and uncontrollable laughter because these are the things that make travel bearable so we can survive to the prize, our destination and all the wonders and beauties that await us.

With all due respect and humility, good night.